How to Woo, the Lockhart Method
by Lady Flick
Summary: '...should you exalt her beauty and grace too much, her head shall inflate and she'll realize she is far too good for you. It's never happened to me, of course, but I've been told that it often occurs.' proposal challenge response! GL/NM.


**The Proposal Challenge**  
posed by _xxArtermisxFowlxx_ on HPFFC

requirements:  
**"** Lockhart/Narcissa, April, Onyx Gem, Garden **"**

**disclaimer:** i'm afraid i am not nearly awesome enough to own something as awesome as this awesome epic. get it? _awesome._**  
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**How to Woo, the Lockhart Method**

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**Step One;** Get her to notice you.

* _If a woman doesn't take notice, then you will be going nowhere. Take a look at me. What do you see? Yes, yes, I know, I am rather good-looking, but think specific. My hair! Precisely. If you're sporting a luscious head of locks, girls are guaranteed to spot you in a crowd – afterall, it's all they can see in a mass of faces. I recommend using the shampoo and conditioner in one formula created by _Magically Me_. It will make even the Veelas envious, guaranteed!_

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She was impressionable despite her strong family name, eager to begin her magical education, though she did well to be on her best behavior. When the other children scuttled to the scarlet train, she waited with her older sister, sniffing the air and recognizing the faint scent of weakness and failure amongst her peers – _muggleborns_, they must have been. Bellatrix had said there wasn't much to look at, not many worth the attention and fancy of a Black, save, perhaps, for a select few Slytherins.

But when cold crystalline eyes fell upon a head of lavish golden waves and a naturally charismatic smile that could make any girl's knees buckle, Narcissa, for the first time in her life, disagreed with dearest Bella.

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**Step Two;** Meet her.

_* Once she's aware of your existence, it's time to make your move. Don't just pop out of thin air and say hello! Find an opening and strike! Perhaps when the young lady is confused or needs some form of assistance. They are all but damsels waiting to be rescued, afterall._

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"Lost?"

Narcissa was prepared for insults and petty remarks, she was prepared for nonchalance and degradation, but she was entirely caught off-guard with _this_ boy and his undeniably enchanting smile. "No."

"Cissy!" came Bella's voice from further down the train, "Oh, where has that girl gone off to, now?"

His eyes – _blue_, bluer than anything she had ever seen – crinkled in the corners. "The day always does arrive when a Knight is no longer needed."

Long after he had disappeared and Narcissa was seated by her sister and various other Slytherins, she found herself staring out the window, imagining a Knight in shining armor atop his steed sweeping her up and riding off into the sunset.

And then she frowned at the frivolous thought.

What nonsense.

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**Step Three; **Compliment her.

* _The quickest way to a woman's heart is feeding her ego. But be wary, should you exalt her beauty and grace too much, her head shall inflate and she'll realize she is far too good for you. It's never happened to _me_, of course, but I've been told that it often occurs. _

_[ For ideas on women and how to compliment them, purchase my new Guide: _Charming without a Wand, _by Gilderoy Lockhart. ]_

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It was frustrating, she just couldn't seem to do it. Stupid, stupid, irritating spell! It had been embarrassing enough for Professor Flitwick to comment that her feather was supposed to _float_, not fall off her desk, but to be found in the library frantically prodding at her _stupid_ feather to _levitate_ by none other than Gilderoy Lockhart? Narcissa was just about ready to burst into tears.

But then he gave her that smile of his that could make her stomach twist, and nodded. "Has anyone ever told you, you've got _amazing_ hair?"

The rest of the time spent in the library involved the two talking about hair-care products and treatments and various other frivolous things that Narcissa could never discuss with her dear sister.

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**Step Four;** Defend her.

* _Ah, so you've managed to make it thus far? Congratulations! Now that you've got her as a friend, it's time to make her see you as something perhaps a bit more. Show her that she is worth protecting, any part of her, really, it won't matter. Honor is a rather good one. Yes, if anything, do something to protect her honor. _

_**FACT**__: It has been said that muggles of the Old Age rescued princesses from towers and conquered Dragons. I suppose, without magic, muggles simply had to try that much harder to find a woman._

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All it took was one simple phrase, and she suddenly thought he was the most amazing boy to ever grace the halls of Hogwarts:

"You've got to be _barking_ mad if you don't see that Narcissa is a raving beauty."

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**Step Five; **Impress her.

_* She's noticed you and sees you as something of a hero – so why not glorify yourself a bit in her eyes? This is your time to shine without coming off as pompous and arrogant. Of course, if you shine all the time, like I do, it can't be held against you. You're simply that fantastic. _

_[ For a trim waist and broad shoulders, like me, find out my secrets in _The Vanishing Act, a Gilderoy Lockhart Approach, _featuring Gilderoy Lockhart. ]_

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Her sister roared in triumph for every Slytherin goal, and she stood amongst her House, donned in black and green, eyes straining to follow the golden hair of her guilty crush. She winced when he'd barely miss a bludger and close her eyes whenever he made a foul, remaining silent unless Slytherin racked up points. But when Ravenclaw's seeker managed to catch the snitch for the winning point, Narcissa made the mistake of jumping out of her seat.

"There was a bee," she explained to her fellow peers in grief, swatting desperately at her robes, "You know how I'm allergic to _bees_."

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**Step Six; **Entertain her.

*_ It takes more than good hair, a good attitude and a nice smile to win over a witch – though I know, I must make it look terribly easy. But, I'm afraid it's not that simple. You'll need to feed her fancy. Now that she's impressed by you, you'll need to constantly entertain her. Amuse her, make her laugh, smile, indulge her in what you know she wants to hear. Don't be afraid to exaggerate a little. Remember, there's nothing wrong with spicing up a dull meal. _

_[ For recipes sure to make your mouth water, purchase my recipe book: _In the Kitchen with Gilderoy Lockhart _by Gilderoy Lockhart. ]  
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"So there we were, my mates and I, exploring about the Forbidden Forest, right? And suddenly there's this great big, _beastly_ thing coming from the shadows. There must have been eight—no _twenty_ rows of sharp teeth! Cis, it was absolutely terrifying! I look around and realize all the others have run with their tail between their legs and I'm left alone with this monster!"

She leaned nearer to him, eyes wide in wonder, "Then what happened?"

That boyish smile, of his and a careless shrug, "Well, I'm still alive aren't I?"

Narcissa was enthralled.

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**Step Seven;** Kiss her.

* _Finally you've made it! It's time to make your way out of the zone saved solely for _friends_. That is not where you want to be. __It may be rather tricky to maneuver, but if you've followed the steps thus far, it should be smooth sailing._

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"It doesn't hurt too much," Narcissa insisted from the ground, cringing as she attempted to stand. A red mark flared across her forehead she had bumped heads with the third year Ravenclaw she was far too attached to. "I shouldn't have been running."

Lockhart held out a hand for her to take and helped her to her feet, not letting go even after she was steadied. "Don't be foolish, it was entirely my fault," he said solemnly, briefly pressing his lips on the reddening mark on her forehead.

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**Congratulations! **

_You are officially a Gilderoy Lockhart approved Charmer! Fill in your information in the spaces provided, cut along the perforated lines, and hang your new diploma proudly and let the witches know you are a certified Casanova!_

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She waited for him out by the gardens, well aware that in doing so she would be late for her next lesson, but Lockhart's next class was Herbology, and she had been working on his present all evening.

"What's this?"

A lopsided circle with a massive rock attached.

"It's a ring."

"Oh. It's nice," was Lockhart's dead reply as he handed it back.

"It's for you."

"For _me_? What on earth _for_?"

"Your birthday," Narcissa said with that bright and relatively innocent smile of hers. "It's today, isn't it? April the second?"

"Er, well yes…" and then that charming smile that bewitched her as he raised his wand, transforming the admittedly hideous present into something far more appealing. "There, it's perfect, and it's just what I needed, thank you, Cis." He then proceeded to stop a fiery red-haired student in her tracks, dropping to a single knee, "Oh, Lilian, your beauty knows no bounds and your wit – immeasurable. I fashioned this ring with my own two hands in hopes that you will accept it and be mine."

He received a sound punch and went sprawling backwards onto the grass.

Lockhart picked himself up, dusting off his robes, and pressed a hand to his face. Turning to Narcissa, the student pouted, "Tell me, Cis, that I won't be bruising?"

"Oh, no, she didn't hit you nearly hard enough," the first year snapped. Fist met face once again. "_That_ should do it."

And she stalked off, leaving the third year Ravenclaw with those impossibly blue eyes and a terribly endearing smile to nurse his abnormally swollen nose.

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_**WARNING:**__ Results May Vary._

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never before would i have ever thought to write a GL/NM fic.  
but, this was rather enjoyable to come up with  
and i hope it was enjoyable to read

feedback is much appreciated  
thanks for reading!

**c:**


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